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Let’s all pylon Penn State, because it enters the Bottom 10

[Editor’s note: The Big Ten and Mountain West are back! But what does that mean for the teams that have been in the Bottom 10 all season long?]

Inspirational considered the week:

There’s too many forward of me
They’re all tryin’ to get in entrance of me
I assumed that I may discover a clear street forward
But I discovered cease lights as a substitute

It’s a lot too crowded
Too crowded
It was a lot too crowded
Too crowded
So, so, so crowded

— “Expressway (To Your Heart),” The Soul Survivors

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, situated within the spooky cemetery behind the ESPN.com faculty soccer writers’ dormitory the place all our outdated and dangerous scorching takes are buried, we instantly discover ourselves having to face on a chair to see throughout to the opposite aspect of the room. Sure, that is partly as a result of I’m not very tall, however the concern now’s that this Bottom 10 occasion room, the identical one which was as soon as so sparsely occupied we truly scaled this again to the Bottom 5, is now packed tighter than former Michigan DT Bryan Mone’s noggin inside his helmet.

Why the instantly crowded home? Because on Saturday, our house was invaded by the 14 groups of Mone’s outdated convention, the Big Ten, in addition to a grimy dozen of Mountain West squads rumbling in from the Rockies like an avalanche of L’s.

Our Bottom 10 workplaces grew to become so packed so shortly that the fireplace marshal confirmed up and advised us we needed to disperse. Out of curiosity, I requested who had referred to as about our prohibited populousness. The marshal stated it was an nameless tip, however the caller ID was from Storrs, Connecticut, and the person had amusing like a Chucky doll.

OK, Coach Edsall, we see how it’s.

With apologies to the Ingui brothers and Steve Harvey, here is this week’s Bottom 10.

1. ULM (pronounced “uhlm”) (0-6)

The Warhawks rallied the troops and hunkered down to carry off the inflow of recent groups with an impossible-to-ignore 38-14 loss to the South Alabama Redundancies. And by unimaginable to disregard, we imply unimaginable to disregard for us at Bottom 10 HQ and the individuals who had been allowed inside Hancock Whitney Stadium on Saturday. Other than that, I’m fairly certain you ignored it.

2. Minute Rice (0-1)

Among the groups returning to motion was Rice, which is not within the Big Ten or Mountain West however has spent the season twisting within the wind, whiffing on a minimum of three makes an attempt to play a season opener since Sept. 3. Their reward for that endurance? A would-be game-winning area purpose that managed to doink as soon as for every earlier sport postponement, plus another simply to rub it in.

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Rice strains up for a possible profitable area purpose try in opposition to Middle Tennessee in additional time, however the ball hits each uprights and the crossbar twice earlier than bouncing out.

3. Southern Missed (1-4)

Not to be outdone, the Golden Eagles have now had nearly as many coaches as they do losses. Head coach Jay Hopson was fired at 0-1. Interim head coach Scott Walden went 1-2 on the helm, earlier than lacking final weekend’s sport at Liberty as a result of he examined constructive for COVID-19. While in quarantine, Walden was hired as head coach at Austin Peay. His non permanent alternative for the Liberty sport was Tim Billings, who’s 0-1 and now Walden’s everlasting alternative, however solely as a everlasting as an interim head coach will be. And who does USM play this weekend? Drumroll please — wait … dang … grasp on, we knocked over the cymbals and stepped by the snare — Rice!

4. unLv (0-1)

The Fightin’ Tarks are the primary of our new groups to leap/fall into these rankings, because of a 34-6 opening loss to San Diego State. This weekend they play rival Nevada, which the sensible guys actually throughout the road, um, Strip, have listed as a 13.5-point favourite. This sport may very well be a whole mess for UNLV, however that is OK, as a result of that is its first residence sport in Allegiant Stadium, which seems to be like a large Roomba.

5. We Are … within the coveted fifth spot (0-1)

From College Park and Champagne to East Lansing and Lincoln, each nook of the B1G had shattered groups asking, “Wait, why did we beg to come back this fall?” But nobody went down tougher than the Nittany Lions, who misplaced to Indiana for under the second time ever (PSU leads the collection 22-2) and did so through a two-point conversion that bent the human physique, a sideline, the road between time and house, and a pylon, suddenly. Between that and In-A-Rut-gers snapping a 21-game convention shedding streak and thus climbing out of its personal Bottom 10 namesake, our minds had been so blown we reached out to Neil deGrasse Tyson to make sense of all of it.

6. Maryland Terror-pins (0-1)

He by no means referred to as us again, however his assistant did, who reminded us that Dr. Tyson spent years instructing at Maryland, and he’s presently locked up in his laboratory making an attempt to determine how somebody loses 43-Three to Northwestern.

7. Kansas Nayhawks (0-5)

Each week this season, we’ve obtained a corn silo’s price of complaints from KU followers that they don’t seem to be ranked excessive/low sufficient; and after getting a home dropped on them by Kansas State 55-14, that griping is not prone to cease. To that we are saying, endurance, y’all. The subsequent three weekends convey Iowa State, Oklahoma and Texas. That clicking you hear is from the claw heels of Big Jay, his beak pointed on the prime backside spot and saying, “There’s no place like home.”

8. US(not C)F (1-5)

The South Florida Bulls misplaced to the Tulsa Golden Hurricane in a 42-13 squeaker. Afterward, the 2 groups shook arms and exchanged pleasantries. What they need to have finished was shake issues up and alternate mascots. I’ve been to Tulsa and seen loads of bulls however nary a hurricane; and I used to be as soon as caught in Tampa for 3 days due to a hurricane, not a herd of rampaging bulls.

9. UMess (0-1)

I had the Minutemen highlighted and able to be CTL+C’d into the Waiting List, however then somebody yelled, “Wait, there’s a list!” As in, a listing of video games to be performed! We believed their season to be one-and-done — definitely not won-and-done — after shedding their solely scheduled sport, 41-Zero to Georgia Southern Not State. But now, on the eve of their former convention’s return (MAC), the Minutemen have loaded two extra video games into their muskets, a Nov. 7 go to to Marshall and a Thanksgiving pilgrimage to Liberty. I can solely hope that for every sport they drive the UMass crew bus by Storrs and honk at Randy Edsall as he’s yelling on the individuals he pays to shovel his driveway.

10. FI(not A)U (0-3)

The Panthers misplaced 19-10 to Jacksonville State, changing into the primary FBS crew to lose to an FCS crew this fall. That’s all the time embarrassing. But when you think about that the FCS stage is not even enjoying a full fall schedule, that strikes to a brand new stage of embarrassing. Like, “Hey, Ryan, remember that time your pants fell down in gym class?” embarrassing. OK … I must cease writing now. I simply remembered it is time to name my therapist.

Waiting List: Needs More Cowbell (1-3), EC-Yew (1-3), Vanderbilt Commode Doors (0-3), UVA Cave-in-liers (1-4), Texas Wreck (2-3), Charlotte 1-and-2’ers, Syra-cursed (1-5), Duke Bedevileds (1-5), Ill-ugh-noise (0-1), Michigan State Sparse-wins (0-1), Muddled Tennessee (2-5), Texas State Armadillos (1-6), COVID-19.

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